wilted flowers

2021 is about to end.

As I'm writing this blog post, I'm thinking of the many responsibilities I chose to ditch this Saturday. It's not even December 30th yet...why am I writing about myself and how my life turned out to be this year?

Maybe it's because of one of the conversations I had with my former manager. He was able to notice how much of an organized person I am and how I put boundaries towards people. He said I shouldn't worry about missing out in my life because at the age of 23, I have already achieved a lot and it's just the beginning. 

This year is still characterized by uncertainties. One moment in summer, I was basking in the sea of Moalboal together with my officemates. The next moment in August, the government restrictions in response to the COVID-19 pandemic returned. And in the late week of September, we lost my grandmother due to COVID-19 too.

This year, I also enrolled for an M.A. in Clinical Psychology program at the University of San Carlos. I want to have a clinical background in psychology, not just for possible career shift or career advancement. I also want to make use of my knowledge in psychology. I want to help people who are struggling with their mental health issues. Initially, I was hesitant to enroll in the program because I was scared. I was scared I could not finish schooling. I was scared I could not pay for my tuition in full. Unlike some of my peers who are privileged in life, I could not waste my money on trying to find what I want to become. Every penny counts for a middle class office worker like me. I am still in my finals week as of this writing, and I haven't studied a single chapter yet. Am I lazy? Or am I just demotivated? Mind you, online classes are not my thing. It just contributes to my short attention span. I feel like face-to-face learning could contribute to my growth and development more than sitting all day dealing with academics and work in front of a laptop.

Juggling school and work is no joke. My physical and mental health began to plummet. I've been facing skin problems (suspected urticaria) that seem to be chronic and as of this writing, I'm thinking about my doctor's appointment on Thursday for this health issue. I've been getting migraines, and this year I got sick thrice in different months - fever and the usual sinusitis. In terms of my mental health, it's another hellhole. I have learned to live with my trauma and unresolved issues for quite a long time now, but somehow, when I lay in bed at night, I remember remnants of what happened last 2020 and I'd cry my eyeballs out. I get dreams of people I no longer want to keep in touch with. I'd remember the people of my past - those whom I laughed with, maybe even embraced and shared vulnerable moments with. I wonder how they're doing. I wonder if they think of me too. I'd rant about the many times I'd say I'm unlucky in my social relationships. And I'd always assume I'm not a good person to be with; that it's my fault I push people away. I keep thinking about the bad stuff people might be thinking about me. Maybe I just want a hug? A pat on my shoulder? I just want some comfort from the right people, I guess. 

Sometimes, I'd get what I call "anxiety meltdowns" wherein I think about the future or maybe even about other people's evaluation of who I am - from my physique to my personality traits. I'd get unexplainable chest pain and that's the sign that I know I'm truly tired and I need to release the intense emotions inside me. I know I tend to bottle up all my frustrations and sadness inside of me and I often pour these negative emotions unexpectedly. I don't explain to others why or how I'm hurting and I often let other people wonder why I'm engaging in such behaviors. And I get so upset when they do not know why I'm acting weirdly. Maybe some people are just insensitive or dense. Or they don't care about me at all. But damn, I am terrible at expressing myself. It's not other people's fault why they don't get my behaviors. It's my fault for not getting my thoughts out in the open. I don't know, I just couldn't get the words to come out of my mouth easily. I used to write a lot...create fictional characters that would somehow mirror a part of me. I lost touch with my imagination. I was too engrossed with reality.

Adulting hit me with no warning. 23 is such a young age, but at this point in my life, I admit I've lost my youth. Or maybe there was no "youth" in me to begin with? There was one time I was alone in our apartment. I stared at the ceiling, talking to God. I realized that nobody really prepares you to be an adult, not even your parents. I mean, yeah...they do give tips about life. But at the end of the day, it's just me. It's up to my decision. I am and I need to be in control of my life. Nobody else will do it for me but me. I need to "girlboss" so I can achieve both the little and big things I want in life.

I'd sometimes say: Had I known life was going to be tough during my 20s, I would have dedicated my teenage years to doing what I really love - writing more pages, painting more images, and hanging out with people. Because now, all I think about is my work backlogs, my academic exams and papers that wouldn't finish on its own, and my family whom I need to take care of first more than anyone else in this world.

Maybe next year, I'll keep in touch with what I truly want and love? I'm not quite sure. But as my manager had said it, I shouldn't worry about missing out. All I'm doing right now is prioritizing. Some people of my age (no offense to them) are also figuring out their lives in their own ways...and they might not seem to understand what I'm doing right now. In the future, hopefully, my efforts will pay off. But I do know how to have fun in little ways (or maybe I'm just defending myself for being a boring person). In my age and the roles that I have in my life right now, I just need to be firm in my priorities. I am still a work in progress. I admit my lacking abilities and I admit that sometimes my personality gets in the way of my relationships.

I'm hoping that I don't get to wilt even further. I'm hoping I could still take care of myself despite it all. I need to be strong so that I can help others. I need to become the bigger, better person so that one day, I may help others.

I'm hoping to end 2021 with a smile on my face. Whatever life brings me, I hope I'm ready for it.