Submerged

Author's Note. This is my first attempt at writing short stories. I'm very fond of making long stories that turn into novels (lol). Anyway, this was heavily criticized at the Cebu Young Writers' Studio 2018, hosted and organized by The Libulan Queer Collective. I'm so happy to have been selected as one of their fellows. Hopefully, I'll be able to join more workshops in the future. So, here it is. The new and edited version of "Submerged". Tell me what you think about it! :)

Submerged

TWO HOURS. I’ve been sitting inside this coffee shop for two hours already. As I look outside the window, street children are playing tag amidst the people passing by. Commuters are having trouble hailing a jeepney or a taxi. It’s the rush hour, after all. I turn my attention back to my second cup of coffee, sipping it slowly. College students fill the area as they study for exams or cram their research papers. I stand up and head to the barista’s counter to order a slice of their best-selling red velvet cake. I wait patiently as another customer is being attended to.

Last night, my younger brother Joseph caught me drawing blood from my wrists using the kitchen knife. I could still remember how he hurriedly took the sharp knife away from my hands. He did not say a word, went out of the kitchen, and came back with a first aid kit. I apologized to him repeatedly as he cleaned the cut.

“Julio, Joseph…what are you doing?” Mama asked as she turned the kitchen lights on.

Unfortunately, Mama told Papa about what happened. He talked to our family psychiatrist and asked for immediate help. Psychiatric nurses were on their way to pick me up. They said I was getting worse, so they had to pick me up despite the darkness of the night. While my parents were arguing about me, I took the chance to drive away from home. Joseph helped me open the gates, told me to take care of myself, and to message him about my whereabouts. I didn’t want to transfer my troubles to Joseph, but he insisted that I leave home temporarily. I haven’t slept a single hour since the moment I stepped on the gas pedal of my car. I need coffee to kill me – I mean, keep me awake until I find myself a place to stay. I’ve got enough cash for five more days, but my credit cards have been suspended the moment they found out I’ve escaped.

Well, I’m not coming home unless they accept the fact that their son is a failure.

Whenever I open up my feelings to people, they would say that my problems are petty compared with theirs. My friends told me to stop being sad because I had everything in this world – money, brains, looks, and girls. I was always at the top of my game since I was a kid. But what most people do not know is that every time I fail to succeed or reach my parents’ expectations, my father would abuse me. I’m his heir, so everything he expects from me should be carried out smoothly. All attempts to separate from his shadow were useless.

Papa always made decisions on my behalf. Whenever I would protest, Mama would tell me to keep quiet because she believes that Papa is thinking about my welfare. Truthfully, the only good decision Papa made for me was when I was set to marry Luciana. Luciana is from a Filipino-Spanish family who owns a chain of malls across the country. We got to know each other through dates that our parents set up. It was not difficult to fall in love with her. She is the rare flower from the bunch – a bubbly young woman who is not afraid to speak her mind.

However, the engagement broke off when I heard Luciana tell her friends that she doesn’t have any feelings for me. She did enjoy our adventures before, but she never reciprocated my feelings. She only saw me as someone she could lean on; almost like a twin brother. The flower I fell in love with bloomed for someone else. She continued to love her college sweetheart and broke familial promises for that person. And I respected her decision.

My parents were furious about what happened with me and Luciana. Because with that engagement lies the future of our telecommunications company. Our companies were about to have this partnership, but love made it impossible to happen. Luciana eventually ran away from her home and secretly got married with her man. This eventually became a wakeup call for me. If Luciana, an heiress, can fight for herself against her parents then why can’t I do the same?

Ever since that happened, I became frustrated about how I let other people control my life. I became so confused that I kept on drinking alcohol even when I’m at work. On other days, it takes a great deal of drugs to keep me elated. I slept with a girl or two, not remembering their names the next day because I could not keep Luciana’s face out of my mind. 

I heave a sigh. It’s my turn to order that piece of cake I’ve been craving for. I hand over a few Peso bills to the cashier.

“Your order will be served in a few minutes, Sir,” the female cashier informed me.

To be honest, I want to leave my home for good. There must be a place for me somewhere. Maybe I can start anew and build a new identity for myself. I head back to my table with the receipt in my hand. To my surprise, a girl is now sitting by my table. I couldn’t help but notice her black t-shirt with the words “Ayaw’g tan-aw. Makamatay.” Her thin crimson lips curve into a smile as I silently examine her long eyelashes and bold black eyes. She’s got a neatly trimmed bob cut, with the tips of her hair dyed in blue. I can say that she’s pretty enough to get on to Luciana’s level.

“Hi. Do you mind if I sit here?” She asks.

“It’s alright,” I say as I sit down.

I continue reading a copy of Miguel Syjuco’s “Ilustrado”, ignoring the girl for a moment. A familiar tune starts to play through the coffee shop’s speakers. It’s Up Dharma Down’s “Oo”. I can’t help but sing along to the song. The girl opposite to me starts to sing along while she uses her mobile phone. She glances at me as we find ourselves singing the song together. She smiles. Is she flirting with me?

“Are you a fan?” The girl asks me.

“UDD? Not really. But I love how the song speaks about an unrequited love,” I answer.

“Is that so? You know what, I’ve seen them perform live a couple of times here in Cebu,” she says.

“What was it like?”

“Magnificent! Just like how they play in studio versions. I really wish people paid more attention to them.”

We start talking about OPM bands and how BisPop music is taking over the local music scene here in Cebu. I’m impressed with the amount of knowledge she has about local bands. She attempts to sing a few lines from a BisPop song I know nothing of. In fairness, this girl is confident.

“My name is Kit. Short for Marikit Mendez,” she introduces herself.

One of the coffee shop’s staff members interrupt our little conversation by serving my red velvet cake. “Thanks,” I mumble upon receiving the piece of cake.

I extend my hand for her to shake and say, “I’m July Ocampo. It’s nice to meet you.”

 “July? Cool name!” she exclaims.

“My boring parents named me that because I was born on the fifth of July. Actually, you have a beautiful name. Like…literally,” I say.

She laughs under her breath and replies, “Thank you. My parents are professors and they’re quite interested in Philippine mythology. They thought it would be wonderful if their child’s name sounded like a deity of some sort.”

We proceed to talking about our careers. Kit tells me she recently stopped working because of her boyfriend’s death six months ago. Her boyfriend was killed by some robbers at his condominium unit. Due to that incident, she had difficulty in functioning at her workplace, so she was recommended by a psychiatrist to take some medications, attend therapy sessions, and cease her heavy duties for the meantime. I don’t know, but I think it would be nice to confide my thoughts and feelings to her. I feel like I can open up to her easily despite the fact that we just met each other. I feel like she can understand what I’m going through right now. So, I tell her about my life and what I’m currently facing. She is surprised to learn about my career, and how my psychological condition developed.

She comforts me for all the things that happened to me, “I’m so sorry for what you’ve experienced. Having parents who don’t support you sucks. And suicide is no joke. There also came a point in time when I wanted to kill myself and just follow my boyfriend.”

“But what kept you holding on to your life?” I ask.

“I believe that I still have hope in this world. Someday, I will be happy. I just don’t know how and when,” she answers as she plays with her fingers.

I nod my head and say, “I see.” I start eating the piece of cake on my table as I ponder about what she just said.

“So…what are your plans now? Where are you going to hide?” she asks me.

“I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll just drive away as far as I can for about five days. I don’t have much money right now. They stripped me off my privileges to make sure I’m going back home. But I believe I can survive without all those riches,” I say.

Kit stares at the window. I continue eating, wondering if I said something wrong to make her shift her attention away from me. Her gaze is fixed outside. I wonder what she’s thinking. Or maybe she remembered something about her ex-boyfriend. Her silence disturbs me amidst the noise caused by the students in this coffee shop.

“Kit…are you okay?” I ask her.

She shakes her head, “So… you were saying you were going far away. Am I right?”

“Y-Y-Yes.”

“Can I come with you?”

I almost choke on the cake I’m eating. She laughs and says, “I’m not kidding. I want to join you in your quest.”

“You can’t, Kit. My life is chaotic to start with. I don’t want you to create another problem in your life by coming with a stranger you just met in this coffee shop. Plus, I am a notorious stranger,” I explain to her in a firm tone.

Kit bites her lower lip, “I’m serious. They don’t need me, anyway. I’m just a burden to them. My parents are supposed to retire, but they’re still finding a way to send my younger sister to school and at the same time, paying for my psychiatric sessions. I’ve been lost for some time now. And I want to redeem myself.”

“You can find yourself in many other ways, Kit. I’m really sorry,” I say as I fix my things and put it inside my backpack. Even if I find her warm and attractive, I don’t think it would be best for her to meddle with my life.

“For the past six months, you’re the only person I had a sensible conversation with. I feel like we’re going to click a lot. Isn’t that reason enough for you to trust me? We can find our sunshine together. If you still don’t trust me, then take a walk with me outside,” Kit suggests.

I stand up and say, “It would be nice to have someone with me in my journey, but I guess I wouldn’t have to concern myself with the welfare of others if I cannot even take care of myself. I’m sorry, Kit. It was really, really nice meeting you.”

I leave the coffee shop with heavy steps. It is indeed upsetting to leave her like that. I know I was being stupid there. I just deprived her with the comfort she needs. When she told me I was the only person she had a sensible conversation with ever since her boyfriend died, I felt the longing in her voice. I felt how she badly needed someone to hold on to. I clench my fists, regretting what I had just done. Maybe I could’ve done better. But then again, I left home to protect myself from the evils of this world. In one way or another, Kit might hurt me just like how other people did to me.

I look behind my shoulder and find out that she has been following me. I stop walking and ask her, “Why are you still following me?”

“We will just walk around Fuente Circle! Ka-O.A. ba nimo uy! It’s okay if you leave me afterwards,” she says as she approaches me.

I shake my head in frustration and say, “Yawa, bai. I swear…if I find out you have bad intentions or if you have any hidden agenda, I’m really going to run my car over you.”

Suddenly, her puppy-like eyes lit up. She pulls me into an embrace and says, “Thank you. You don’t know how much this means to me.”

I don’t know how to react to this, so I just pat her back lightly. Girls are very confusing to deal with. One moment I was admiring her alluring skin, the next moment I’m already taking her with me for a walk at Fuente. We walk side by side, but her hand keeps on bumping mine. Is she doing this intentionally? Should I hold her hand or should I just wait until she makes the move? July, you can do better than this!

“Is there something wrong?” Kit asks me.

“This is just…it feels like it’s not real, you know? I don’t know. This has never happened in my life before,” I tell her.

“You’ve never been with a girl before?”

“No. I went to a handful of places inside and outside of the Philippines with my ex-girlfriend. It’s just that…we just met. And I’m taking you with me. It’s very weird.”

“July, I mean no harm to you. I swear.”

I nod my head, trying to calm myself down. We climb the large sky walk together. The fountain at the Fuente Circle is spewing out water quite gracefully. Fuente Circle is like a small park amidst an urbanized area, surrounded by high-end restaurants and lively shopping centers. It’s a breath of fresh air in this topsy-turvy city.

As we go down the sky walk, I reach for her hand. I let her candle-like fingers interlock with mine. Dazed, she looks at me and says, “Smooth ninja moves, July. I always knew you had this side.”

 We hold hands as we cross the street. We enter the gates of the small, circular park. She lets go of my hand and runs to the nearest bench. She signals me to sit down next to her. I follow.

“Where are you planning to escape?” She asks me as she rests her head on my shoulder.

“I don’t know yet.”

“But do you have a place in mind?”

“South of Cebu, I guess. I’ll just go wherever my impulses take me.”

“I have a close friend in Moalboal and she’s running a small resort. Maybe you’ll like it there. Have you ever been to Moalboal before?”

“No. I’ve been to Badian, though. Me and my friends visited the Kawasan Falls.”

We continue to talk about my escape plans. She tells me about Moalboal and how her friend came up with her resort business. She tells me about her sister, her parents, her ex-boyfriend, her officemates, and all other people popping up in her mind. She shows me a journal filled with odd and intricate drawings. She tells me that she draws whenever she’s having flashbacks or intense emotions. She asks me about how I cope with my depression. I tell her how I used illegal drugs, how I dated other girls after Luciana, and how I drank secretly in my office. I talk to her all night long that I didn’t notice the time. I check my watch. It’s already 11 P.M. and I need to get going or else somebody might find me in the city when the daylight comes. I need to find a place to stay.

“Are you going to leave me now?” She asks.

I look at her. Somehow, my lips involuntarily curve into a smile. I say, “I’m not going to leave you.”

She’s about to embrace me again, but I stop her arms from extending further. I move closer to her and tilt my head so that I can kiss her. She seems to accept this, as she relaxes her arms down. We kiss.

“Thank you for trusting me, July,” she whispers into my ear.

We leave Fuente Circle and walk back to where my car was parked. We crawl into my sedan. For the first time, somebody understands. Somebody with a beautiful heart understands. It’s best if we just leave than stay and wait for a miracle to happen. At least now, we have each other.

“Can I drop by my place first? I want to get some of my stuff there. I promise it wouldn’t take long,” Kit says.

I start driving away and agree to her request, “Okay, then.”

She tells me her home address, and I try to figure out which road to take. She then turns on my car’s radio, finding an active FM station. A few minutes later, she falls asleep.

----

We arrive at her place in a small yet peaceful barangay. Some people gather at the small chapel for a wake. The males are playing mahjong while the females are busy eating midnight snacks. A group of barangay tanods stand by the barangay hall. I open the car door for her and she gets off. I go back to turn the engine off.

“I’ll be waiting here,” I say softly.

“No, come with me,” she holds my hand.

“But-“

“Nobody will notice. Just help me pack for, um… twenty minutes max,” she insists.

I don’t have any other choice. She leads me inside. She lives at a simple two-story concrete house. I admire how clean and orderly the rooms are. Kit checks her sister’s bedroom first to see if she is awake. She shakes her head, as if telling me that her sister is now asleep. Her parents are asleep as well. Crickets are making sounds all over the place.

Her room’s walls are filled with photos. She calls it a “memory wall”. There are photos of her and her family, friends, and deceased boyfriend. Her bed perfectly fits her petite body well. She sits down and pats her bed, “I will miss this.”

She stands up, gets her backpack and opens it gently, careful not to make any noise. I watch her in the darkness of her bedroom. She packs up her clothes, rolling each piece neatly. I don’t know if we’re making the best choice of our lives, but I want to make this as something I will never regret. I am falling in love with her quickly, and not the idea of her. I used to criticize the concept of “love at first sight”, but my thoughts have changed the moment I planted a gentle kiss on her lips. It doesn’t matter if you don’t know much about that person, but as long as you feel what your neurotransmitters are supposed to make you feel, then that’s love.

She closes her backpack and says, “I’ve got everything now. We can leave. I don’t want to stay here any longer. It just gives me the nostalgia and all the bad memories those photos give.”

“Bad? What do you mean bad?”

“The photos there represent the old me. I want to start anew with you. We can do this together,” Kit says as she holds my hands towards her chest. I nod in response.

We leave her house. Along the way, she calls her friend who owns the resort. I wonder if her friend would answer at this hour. It’s already 12:30 in the morning. I just drive towards our destination as she converses with her friend over the phone. It seems like her friend agreed to take us in.

----

We arrive at the place by four in the morning. Thankfully, the coffee kept me alive all midnight long. Kit’s friend welcomes us with a sleepy voice. Her friend’s name is Mercedes, with tanned skin and curly hair. She’s slightly taller than Kit. She leads us to our room and asks us if we want to have early breakfast. I refuse. All I want is to lay down and sleep. Kit understands how tired I am from driving, so we decided to have the room all to ourselves. The sea breeze is entering through the window. It’s still dark outside, with a few stars still shining. This time, Kit hugs me tight as I sit on the edge of the bed, “Finally, we’re home. I love you, July.”

I kiss her cheek, “Me too.”

She kisses me passionately. We have all the time to ourselves now.

---

I wake up at the sound of chopping. I look to my side, but Kit’s not here. She must be cooking something. I wrap myself with a blanket since I feel extremely cold due to the sea breeze. I spot her at the kitchen, making our brunch. She’s still wearing the same clothes she wore yesterday.

The room we’re renting has its own kitchen and bathroom. It has pale mint green walls, with the paint almost tearing off. It is nothing compared to my luxurious room at home or to Kit’s simple house. It needs a lot of cleaning and restoration. It’s fine. We’re going to find some place better than this.

I hug her from behind and say, “Good morning, Kit.”

She laughs under her breath and says, “Breakfast is ready.”

“Nah, busog nako,” I decline.

“You had nothing in your stomach for hours, buang,” she points a knife at me.

I sit down as she sets up the table.

“What’s our agenda today?” I ask.

“I thought you were going to build a new identity for yourself. Quit the CEO manners, okay? We’re going to enjoy the beach today,” she replies.

“Great idea to spend my first day with you.”

We talk about the things and the people we’ve left behind. Our mobile phones ring from time to time, but neither of us answer it. Kit’s parents are alarmed about her being missing. My siblings have been texting me to return back home because everything is a disaster. My parents blasted me with texts and calls as well, but I’m never going to reply a word to them. It may sound cruel that Kit and I have abandoned them for our crazy plans. But who cares? They’ve considered us as insane, helpless persons they don’t want to be bothered with. What matters right now is that Kit and I are together and we’re both safe.

---

Kit and I walk to the beach. Garbage is well controlled in this place. Moalboal is definitely far from the city, and it boasts of a pristine shore and rich marine sanctuary. Foreigners swarm the shore, some of them getting ready for a diving experience. The locals are also very polite and generous. Everything seems to be so natural here. 

We buy two glasses of mango shake from the resort’s canteen and enjoy it before dipping into the sea. We sit next to each other on the grainy white sand. We talk about our childhood memories, high school love stories, college struggles, and employed life.

I drag her to the sea without any warning. She yells at me like a child, “July Ocampo, stop! I’m really gonna break my legs here! We won’t have any children because of your recklessness.”

I laugh and let her stand up properly. She runs to the sea and I chase her. She splashes some water on me and I fight back. We laugh. I’ve never felt like this before. She leads me to a deeper part of the sea, but I don’t follow.

“What’s wrong?” She asks.

“I can’t swim,” I confess.

She gasps, “Are you sure you can’t swim?”

I nod. I try my best to look serious or else she’ll laugh at my confession once again.

“But how can you enjoy the beauty of nature if you don’t want to swim?” She mumbles. Her mouth is shaking slightly because of the sea’s coolness.

I can hardly step on any rock or sand right now. Man, it’s too deep. I can’t go on. I tell her, “I have a phobia of the deep sea. My father threw me into the deep when I was in his yacht because I was being stubborn. I was eight years old at that time. And he said it was just some sort of test to see if I was as strong as him. He saved me, of course.”

“Your father’s the one who is insane,” she points out.

I laugh, “He certainly is.”

“I’m going to teach you how to swim. At least you’ll know how to save yourself or maybe when we’re going to be blessed with kids, we’re going to teach them together. Isn’t that fascinating?” Kit tries to convince me.

“I’m not sure. I’m very stubborn, you see,” I explain.

She holds my hand underneath the water. She kisses me and says, “Trust me.”

I smirk and nod my head. She starts with basic “do’s and don’ts” in swimming. I do my best to listen to her and not get distracted by my past memory. I can’t even believe I’m doing this right now. My parents convinced me to have swimming lessons, but I never listened to them. I always said it was a waste of time and money because I will never learn. Being this stubborn fellow, I tell them I’d rather die and get eaten by sharks than to shiver and swim to survive.

With little strokes, I start to learn like a child. I mimic her actions in the water while admiring her beautiful body. She teaches me how to float first and foremost. I try my best to breathe and open my eyes underwater. I know that Kit will never let me drown, just like how my father saved me. This is just a test. I know that past memory almost killed me, but I forgot to look at the other side of the story. Dad saved me because he knows I still deserve to live and become his son. Just like Dad, Kit saved me because she knows I still deserve to live as July Ocampo, and not anyone else.

We are both worn out from swimming. With our bodies dripping wet, we walk hand in hand towards our room. Kit opens the door with the key and hurries to find her towel. She finds it inside our cabinet. She pulls out her bathrobe. She tries to dry her hair as I watch her.

“What are you looking at?” She asks me with her eyebrows almost knitted together.

“Thank you for today, beautiful,” I thank her. Saltwater from my hair is dripping down my skin.

“You should go and shower first. You’ll get yourself a cold if you stand there, mesmerized by me,” Kit suggests.

“I love you,” I say.

“Me too,” she replies.

Somebody knocks on the door. I wonder who it is. I’m guessing it’s Mercedes again. Kit looks at me in a piercing manner.

“It’s okay, I got it,” I say. I walk towards the door, still dripping wet. I open the door gently. It’s a man about our age, with thick black hair almost reaching his shoulders. He has facial hair as well. He doesn’t seem to be a local or a resort staff member. And it’s like I have seen him somewhere before.

“What is it?” I ask the man.

I can hear Kit’s footsteps from behind. Before the guy could answer, Kit pulls me away from him.

She grabs a fistful of his shirt and says, “Why are you here?”

I ask her, “Hey, what’s going on?”

“Kit, get back into your senses! Everyone is looking for you at home. You’re coming with me. Okay? Have you been taking your medications lately?” The man utters.

“Why are you asking me that when you’re supposed to be in the cemetery right now?!” Kit holds his shirt firmly.

I don’t understand what she’s talking about. Cemetery? Did she try to kill this guy before? Or was she implying that this guy lives or works near the cemetery? I certainly have no idea what’s going on right now. I feel my heart beating triple times faster than the dripping of saltwater on my skin.

“Kit, let go. Calm down, please,” the man begs.

“Hey, are you her psychiatrist or something? She clearly doesn’t want to see you, bai,” I tell the man in a firm way.

“No. You stay out of this. Kit is mentally ill. I’m her boyfriend and I know her better than you,” the man claims.

“No, you don’t! You are a two-faced liar! You’re supposed to be dead. What are you? Some sort of ghost? I buried you! I buried you! I buried you!” Kit yells as she shakes the guy’s body.

I freeze in my spot. I’m so confused right now. I can’t let this pass. Kit must be lying to me all this time so that she can hide all her bad memories. Maybe that’s why she wanted to leave so badly. She punches the guy’s chest with all her force.

“You did not bury me. You never buried anyone. I am alive, Kit. I’m here for you. Now, let me take you home. You don’t need to explain anything about your new guy because I understand you. It was my fault all along. And I’m sorry,” the man convinces her.

Kit just holds on to the guy’s shirt firmly. I try to stop her, but she pushes me away. She tells me to stay out of this. I can’t believe the strength coming from her hand. She’s gotten stronger in a blink of an eye.

“You understand because I caught you with her! You liked her all along! You never really took me seriously, Jason! That’s why I killed you. You deserved each and every stab!” Kit yells.

I’m afraid the people renting the other rooms might hear us. I kindly tell Jason to leave at this instant, but he won’t budge. He’s not leaving without Kit. So, with all my guts, I say, “Bai, she’s already mine.”

“With all due respect, she was never yours, bai. You only love her imaginative self and not the real Marikit,” Jason retorts.

I raise my fist to beat him up, but Kit lets go of his shirt. She goes to the kitchen and picks up a knife. Jason pleads her to put the knife down. But she walks towards him and attack him. She stabs the knife into Jason’s belly. Jason groans and says, “Kit…don’t do this. Please.” My jaw drops upon seeing her stab him repeatedly. Her eyes have gone bigger than the usual.

“If you don’t remember the day I killed you, I’m going to make you recall it! Because it’s all clear that I stabbed you and buried you together with your girl,” Kit says. Jason groans in pain and struggles to remove the knife from her hand. His blood is starting to leak on the floor. I step in to stop her, but she kicks me hard in the crotch.

“Kit, don’t do it…” I say as I try to ease the pain from her kick.

She doesn’t listen to me. I panic. I don’t want her to kill that man. This is not the Kit I know. I secretly pray that somebody will run into us. Maybe Mercedes or some resort staff member heard the ruckus in this floor. Right now, all I can see is blood. Jason is groaning constantly while Kit tries to shut his mouth up. A few minutes have passed, the pain from her kick has gone now, but I’m still here lying wet on the floor, watching Kit finish stabbing Jason. Jason isn’t moving anymore.

“Kit, I don’t understand…” I say, with tears finally falling down my eyes. My hands are shaking. Beads of sweat trickle down my face.

“You wouldn’t understand. Nobody understands! This man should be dead. Why did he come here and intrude us?” Kit says angrily, as if everything was just some child’s role-playing activity.

Jason’s struggle is slowing down. I lost count on how many times Kit stabbed him. She just drops the knife; her hand is already red and worn-out. I stand up, limp towards her, and embrace her. I ask, “Why did you keep this all to yourself?”

Kit breaks down in tears. All I could do is to embrace her. I love her and I swore that I would never let her go. I know I couldn’t understand the pain she has gone through. Now that I’ve learned the truth behind her depression and how deep it got into her soul, I understand why she wanted to leave with me so badly. Just like me, nobody understood her. Nobody wanted to help her. And if there is someone who wants to, the process of getting that help feels like it’s out of reach.

We’re really in the same boat.

“Let’s go away. Let’s kill ourselves,” Kit says.

“Why? Didn’t you tell me you wanted to find sunshine with me?” I ask again. Well, I might ask this repeatedly until I pull her out of her black hole.

“Because I love you and I don’t want to put you in danger. I’m sorry, July. I’m supposed to make you happy, right? But all I gave you was hell…”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Let’s escape right now. Don’t bring anything. Please. Let’s just kill ourselves because we are not worthy of this world anymore-“

“Kit, I’m not sure if we should.”

She frowns like a child. I don’t know if I should allow her to kill herself. I don’t want to do that to myself, either. It would defeat the purpose of running away from home.

“What if we try to live like Bonnie and Clyde?” I ask her.

“That won’t work anymore, July. I don’t want us to live as fugitives. I want to build a new life with you. But now that…now that I finally remind that man about his death…I don’t think that’s possible anymore,” Kit shakes her head.

“We don’t have much time. We should decide now,” I say.

“We?”

“Yes. We.”

Jason’s blood is coloring the floor. Kit looks at me and says, “Let’s just drive the car towards the sea.”

----

Without any more questions asked, I allow Kit to drive my car. This blue sedan has been with me since I was a college student. Now, we’re driving it towards our death. Her mad driving skills scare me.

There’s a cliff-like road few towns away from Moalboal. She decides to take that path. I’ve heard news stories of cars and buses falling down cliffs several times before.

Kit’s free hand is on top of mine. My heart is beating like crazy. So, this is the feeling when you know you’re about to die any time from now. I want to throw up, but I know I can’t. Right now, my brain is empty and I can’t seem to say anything about what happened earlier.

A part of me regrets that I was not able to fix my problems before dying. But I swore that I would be with Kit wherever that place might be. I think about my parents and how horrified they would be if they find out I went out with a girl, witnessed her kill her other boyfriend, and drive the car off into the cliff. I think about my younger siblings and the humiliation they might get from gossiping neighbors, relatives, and friends. I think about some of my closest friends whom I consider to be my blood brothers. I think about my employees who look up to me even though I’m a complete idiot to my father’s face.

I wonder what Kit is thinking about right now. She must be very angry and sad at the same time. I felt deceived the moment I learned that Jason was her “deceased boyfriend”. But I couldn’t blame her. She built her own story, and her own fortress to protect herself from being hurt. I never realized that she had the worse share of problems than me. And all I could do right now is to fulfill the promise I made to myself – to never leave her because somehow, she led me to the light at the end of the dark tunnel.

Kit is speeding up as if she’s showing her anger. This is it. We’re heading for the fences.

“I love you, Kit,” I tell her as I hold her hand tightly.

A tear falls down her cheek. She doesn’t say a word. I know she’s struggling. I don’t want to bother her, even in her final moments.

The blue sedan is now falling at a great speed. I’m seeing the sea – the enormous body of water I’ve always feared of since I was eight. We’re heading for it. I don’t want to let go of Kit’s hand. Never.

I’m still hoping my Dad would save me from drowning.

But he won’t.

Splash!

At least I know Kit and I are already saved from drowning in this world.