How I Want To Be Loved

Wo ming bai wo yao de ai... (I know the love that I want...)

That's a line from the song "Ni Yao De Ai" by Penny Tai, one of the songs from the famous Taiwanese drama, "Meteor Garden". Well, it made me think about this question:

Do I really know the love that I want?

At some point, maybe. I think all of us have an idealized version of love. And this concept of love that we have envisioned may sometimes be specific. We all have expectations about love...which is why we oftentimes get disappointed whenever reality shows us that we can never have the love we've always wanted.

Real love is messy. It's not always about the happy days or the times your significant other made you feel giddy. It's sometimes about extending your patience, helping even when you are tired, listening even if they do not say anything, and trusting even when it's difficult to rely on that person again.

If ever this world is controllable like how I write my fictional stories, I would know what to do when I fall in love. And that person would know how exactly he should love me.

If the world was perfect, then the love that I want would be like this.

I don't have the specifics to the physical appearance of the guy I want to love - even my friends know that I'm the "what goes around comes around" person when it comes to choosing guys in just one look. But I know that the guy I want to love would be a few inches taller than me. He'd be someone I'd look up to, but not too tall enough for me to reach his face. I have this habit of staring at people as if I'm staring into their souls when they talk to me. I'm also picky with noses and lips. I don't mind if his eyes are monolid Chinito or big, bold eyes. I'd like that guy to have broad shoulders and big arms that can envelope me when he pulls me into his embrace. I'd like him to have bigger hands than me, but not too big or painful enough for me to hold for minutes. And because I get turned on through sounds and music, I'd like a guy who has a manly voice. Not too husky to sound like he has a sore throat! And if he sings well or has a really good taste in music, then that's a bonus point.

I care about a guy's hygiene and how he takes care about himself. Yeah, there's no perfect guy. A guy sweats and smells bad at times, too. But I'd like a guy who dresses up well whatever the occasion is or even on a random day. I'd like a guy who smells really great - someone whom I can stick my nose to. I'd like a guy who drinks occasionally, but never to the point that he'd harm his own health just for the purpose of pleasure.

Enough about the physical appearance. Let's go to his brain. What kind of beliefs does he have? I don't want a blind follower. I want a guy who asserts. I want a guy who fights for what he thinks is right. I want a guy who speaks his mind out. I don't care if he'd go on for hours explaining the things he is annoyed with or he is excited about. I am not a mind reader, so I want a guy who communicates his thoughts well. He may have some traumatic experiences or some emotional baggage, but I wish he will have the heart to open up to me when he is ready. Because I will never get tired of listening.

I want a guy who also believes in his capacity. Although he might have doubts about himself, he should know how to give his all, even when he screws it up a bit or does not win at a competition he always wanted to win. I want a guy who respects women, the LGBT community, the poor, the sick, the old, and the oppressed. I want him to be forgiving, but firm in his decisions. Somebody who doesn't turn his back on his responsibilities. Somebody who admits his mistakes and becomes accountable for it.

Okay, what about the love I really want?

I want to enjoy every minute I have with that guy. Of course, I value my own time and space. I will never be that guy's number one priority, too. I might not even be his first love. Or I might just be an additional to the many girls he has already loved and slept with. But I want our love to be different. Something that endures. Something that makes you believe that there is always hope.

I want to be taken on a dinner date. I want to go to the movies. I want to explore the grocery or the hardware store with him. I want to kiss him passionately on a Ferris wheel ride. I want to eat ice cream with him. I want to swim with him, may it be at the pool or at the beach. I want to go on road trips with him. I want him to walk with me in the afternoon or at night when it all seems quiet and peaceful. I want to slow dance with him and feel his warmth as the music plays. I want to be surprised when I see him unexpectedly as I go out of work. I want to receive roses on a special day. I want him to suddenly hand me a book or a piece of candy just because he remembered how I liked them. I want him to hang out with my family or my friends. I want him to pet my dogs as if they were his, too. I want him to be that warm embrace I've always longed for after an exhausting day or when life gets really shitty sometimes. I might even drink with him and go to bed with him if that's possible (but yikes, my parents would never allow me to sleep with a guy before I get married...unless if we sneaked out on a barkada trip and had one room for ourselves then that is possible). I want to stare at him as he sleeps next to me and secretly whisper to God and thank Him of the blessing that's right in front of me.

And when things get rough for the two of us, I want him to make the effort. Well, I know for a fact that I do not want to go to sleep with issues unresolved. I'd stay up all night thinking about it or cry myself to sleep. I'm very anxious when it comes to unanswered questions and when I don't feel like I'm being listened to. And he should understand that. He should make a way to talk to me, whether through a phone call, a long ass text message, or a face-to-face confrontation. I'm all open for it if it means fixing the relationship. We may curse at each other, say bad words at each other, but the important thing is how we would apologize for it. How we'd hold each other's hands and remind each other that we're always going to fix things together. To never give up on each other. And I'd like a guy who wouldn't just sit back and relax after having our relationship fixed. I want a guy who tries to win my smile back. Even through a corny punchline.

Being anyone's lover is not easy. I believe that every single person has his/her own demons - which comes with the package if ever you commit to someone or love someone for real. Many people do not realize that you need to accept the entirety of a person when you promise a lifetime with him/her. All we look for in love is the highs, and not the lows. All we look for in love is the laughter, but never the sorrow.

As I grow older, I realize that love is also about trying to figure things out until both of you can get out of the dark tunnel safely. It's about doing things together, no matter how strange and no matter how difficult. It's about being someone's shoulder to lean on when all else in this world has become unstable and unreliable. Love is NOT about setting conditions, building walls, or asking for too much in return. It's about giving, understanding, trusting, communicating, and empathizing.

How I wish I could get the love that I want.

Maybe not in it's perfect, idealized form. But maybe in its rawness. I want to experience it while I can.