random musings of a 23-year-old

 Finally, I'm 23.

I'm 23 and I've got a lot on my mind. I can say that I'm still lucky and privileged enough that I reached this age. I was able to graduate on time, pass the board examination for Psychometricians, have a career in human resources, save money, buy a lot of things that I've always wanted to buy, eat foods I've always wanted to eat, and go to places I've always wanted to go to. But as I reach this age, I often spend time by myself thinking about many things. My thoughts would race around my head. Sometimes, it makes me cry hard and hold on to my pillows.

Being 22 in a pandemic changed a whole chunk of who I am. And I'm glad I was able to survive a whole year where my mental health plummeted. I still carry the scars of my 22-year-old self. Sometimes, the wounds open up without warning. I still remember the pain some people have caused me to feel. It's as if the pain is still fresh. But I'm able to bear with the pain and stitch them myself. I'm able to summon enough courage to beat my demons.

The pandemic really changed the way we see our future. Is there still a chance for me to travel outside of the Philippines and experience other cultures? Is there still a chance for me to attend concerts or other events where crowds are expected? They say that with this government's way of handling the pandemic, 5-10 years might be the projected time frame for us to go back to normal. And by "normal," that means being at par with New Zealand's new normal today. So much for negligence.

Anyway, I'm 23 and I'm still the same person. Maybe there has been some changes whether visible or not. But basically, I'm still the introverted girl who likes music and movies. I still like to sleep and I hate it when people disturb me intentionally when I'm getting deep zzz's. As a young woman, I love doing my makeup and imagining which hair colors would suit me. Despite being a grown ass adult, I still enjoy watching Disney and Studio Ghibli movies.

But then it dawned to me that while I'm enjoying my present, my future is also near. Time is ticking fast. I look at my parents and listen to them, and I realized that they're aging. They need to rest and stop getting worried about us and our future. It was just this year when I started getting interested in managing my finances. When I had my first job, I didn't really care about where my money was going. True, I saved for my plan to send myself to graduate school. Hopefully by this year, I'll make this plan come true. Wish me luck because I'm really bad at statistics and it worries me if I can overcome this course especially when it's already an advanced course in graduate school. 

But other than that, I knew nothing about budgeting. Just this year when I moved to another company and listened to my office mates, I realized that I need to take control of my salary. I joined a virtual adulting group in the Philippines to read options about banks, insurances, career development, government benefits, etc. Weirdly, I also search on Facebook some condo units or affordable houses for sale or for rent. I also like pages that sell cars in Cebu. It's not wrong for me to dream big, right? I mean, I don't want a fancy, Crazy Rich Asians kind of life. All I want is one day, my retired parents will be relaxed so that they'll spend their remaining years with bliss. One day, I will live a comfortable life. And if I'm going to have children, I want them to experience a little bit more comfort too.

For now, I need to stretch my seemingly adequate monthly salary so that I can provide for myself and for my family. I began to be mindful of the prices of the items I purchased, jotting them down and keeping receipts every now and then. I made a checklist of things I should prioritize buying and things that I just "want." Somehow, I struggle with achieving many things. I realized that even if my salary now is enough for a staff level personnel like me, it's still NOT enough to help my parents out or to even move out and start a life for myself. Sometimes I'd ask "Why do I live in the Philippines?" I hate how compensation here in the Philippines is not livable whether you live alone or you're raising a family. This is like...a sad story encountered every 15th and 30th of the month. Hahahahahuhuhu. We deserve more than this.

I've been challenged, pressured, and worried. There are so many things I want to achieve and things I want to invest in. But then I thought, I should calm down. The future can wait. What I can do now is to build myself for it. I'll do my best in my job every day so that the payouts feel more satisfying when it comes. I'll enjoy every moment with my family, friends, and my boyfriend. I'll have some time for myself where I can rest well and do the things that I love. And maybe when the time comes for me to study again, I won't be joking about it so that I'll become an excellent psychologist in the future. I know that if I invest in myself today more than anything else, the opportunities will follow. 

Aside from taking charge of my finances, I think I need to take extra caution with my health. Just this year, I got sick thrice already. The first was in January when I had measles, and the recent one was when I had both colds and cough this April. And while I'm writing this, I'm suffering from discomfort and pain in my right jaw, probably caused by my teeth. My health is horrible. That's when I realized I need to be cautious of my lifestyle. Most of my friends know how much I love drinking Coke. And maybe the eating and the drinking of unhealthy foods made me gain weight and added to my weak immune system. I need to get vaccinated against COVID-19 as soon as possible because of my frail health. And I need to be super mindful of my habits too if I want to live longer and still achieve the things I mentioned previously. 

Also, gaining some weight elicited a lot of reactions from my family and friends. Some of these remarks were hurtful and would equate to bodyshaming. I often look at myself in the mirror and find it hard to smile for selfies or plain pictures. I no longer feel confident or beautiful about myself. But then, I realized that I'm not overweight. The society has a cruel standard for young women like me -- that we should look like Victoria's Secret models. And that when you're not thin or when you can't fit into crop tops or have a tiny waist, you're automatically ugly. When you're plump, your lover might leave you for a skinny woman. But these standards are all wrong. Eat for as much as you want for as long as you're not obese or overweight. Because obesity is a serious health risk and you need medical attention when you're obese for your age. Eat and don't let food make you feel guilty about yourself. 

Eating good food is therapeutic for me especially now that I have my own money. But admittedly, I also need to control my cravings for it to maintain good health. What's important is I still love myself and my body. Though people are going to comment about how my body looks like, their opinions are irrelevant. I don't need to adjust to their standards. I should not change for other people.

While it is good to sail without a map (yep, Start-Up reference), I am still the captain of my own ship. At 23, I want to become a better version of myself. It's never too late to engage in good habits. And hopefully, I'll be able to start developing myself for the future that I want. I know God is watching me and I hope He'll bless my initiatives. 

At 23, I want to keep living. Cheers to the person I was, to the person I am right now, and to the person I will become!